Sunday, March 20, 2011

Flashbacks all the time, mostly on rainy days


  • Watching Metric hit hard on stage, singing along to Stadium Love with a couple of thousand people. Sweaty, hot, August, the City.

  • His arms were tightly bound around me, and now he's vanished into the traveling winds.

  • Flaking, white picket fences. Chips flying through the air.

  • Cutting and pasting words, first grade, learning vocab.

  • Flipping through the first couple of pages, nothing ever good happens, anyways.

  • White and blue waves crashing against each other, fighting for my attention. Don't worry you have it all. I promise.

  • The southern sun on the horizon, casting a glow reaching towards my yearing face.

  • On his shoulders, Matt & Kim, blue, green, yellow, bright, sweat-glazed. Couldn't breathe in the sea of people. Screaming every single word because of course I knew them all.

  • Hands tangled in my hair, heavy breathing, soft motions of the hands. Shuddering with passion because I knew these moments don't come too often.

  • Channel 5, Channel 37, Channel 53, Channel 209. Erase the present with mindless indulgence.

  • Pop music loud and heavy, windows cracked, fingers crawling through the wind at 80 miles per hour. His nervous smile, peeping a laugh of anxiety every three miles because we both knew we were Off the Map.

  • Shivering notes, black and white piano keys, somehow I knew the way they worked. Crashing sounds made a beautiful melody. She sang strangely off key. Smiling.

  • The cake was larger than my head, it could have fed fourty or so people. He looked up at me and we both took a piece. It was vanilla and chocolate filling, delicious. We ate slowly, methodically.

  • Happy while intoxicated. Swirling lights crashing against one another, bouncing off couches, falling asleep on the dirtied floor. Endless visions of white teeth and glass bottles.

Memories fill my head when nothing else will.

Filled with worry

Frustrated. That's the best word to describe my main emotional state for the past couple of weeks. Frustrated. The next four years of my life have to be basically laid out in the next month or so. Everyone tells me to go with my gut and shoot for my dream. But my dream is going to run me in to the ground with debt and financial troubles. I've gotten my parents and myself convinced Chicago is right, it's good. I put $200 down and scheduled classes, and everything is great. I love my schedule and the dorm I could potentially be staying in. I love downtown Chicago. But I can't handle this anymore. The money. The stress. And I just looked at my alternative choice and it's so confusing. And I'm scared.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Keep it moving

April 13th, please blow my mind.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

it's hard to believe that one year ago



All I ever wanted was to be special and to be held like I have never known. I only like whispers when they're breathed upon my neck. And in the dead of winter, I can find the most beautiful warmth. I miss having my heart beat a little faster when a certain person is around, and I'm scared that those feelings have hibernated for far too long. Recently, my feelings have wandered and gotten lost, and a little numb. I put it over the fire hoping, praying that the flames will ignite something so far gone, something that has become extremely foreign. So I'm just going to nod my head to the beat and pretend like I know what the fuck you're talking about when you use words like Love, Happiness, Loneliness, Hate.

Come around and talk it over

"-so many things that I wanna say, you know I like my girls a little bit older. I just wanna use your love tonight, I don't wanna lose your love tonight. Ain't got many friends left to talk to, no where to run when I'm in trouble. You know I would do anything for you, stay the night but keep it under cover." (Your Love, The Outfield)

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